Super Bowl Party Friends, Shaped Cheese Balls, and Sitting in Dog Sh!t

Misshapen but bacon covered Super Bowl Cheese Ball

One year ago on this national holiday that is the Super Bowl I stood at the elevator outside my apartment door debating whether or not to attend the building sponsored party being held in the pimped out lounge. I hesitated, because at my age (early to late 30s), I already have a set a friends I told myself. Making new friends isn't always easy past...well whenever. That aside, the guilt set in as I had promised my mother I would go and I had maybe told that bright eyed leasing agent the day before "oh suuuuure I'll come", wink wink. 

One year has gone by and I just wrapped up my football shaped cheese ball to bring to this year's party. You know I love a shaped cheese ball. Check out my last one here. 

How painful was that first Super Bowl party in the lounge? On a scale of 1 to 10 I would say I have had gas pains worse than my experience feigning interest in a sport I know nothing about while trying not to binge eat the questionable crudite that was on display.

However, in the end I met a few people. People who over the course of the subsequent year have become great friends. And even though there are days that I am convinced I live in a college dorm, I find great relief when I pull in at the end of a hard day knowing that two floors down, around the corner, or across the hall I have people I can count on.

When I think of football I instantly go back to that rainy day at Woodland Junior High playing touch football with 30 of my never to be seen again friends. That day as I, well basically moved in some direction, slipped on the wet grass and landed flat on my backside. This story only really hits home the next day when I went to go get my still damp gym clothes out of my locker and realized that what I had really slipped in was a big ol' pile of dog shit. Imagine that smell. Not my usual Gautier Le Male. 

If you had asked me anytime before I sat down to write this I would have told you team sports have done nothing to me in the way of friendships. Nobody offered me fresh clothes to wear the day I marinated in poo. I don't recall any of my badminton partners. Nor my square dance partners. And where I come from square dancing is a team sport.

All over the internet there are articles about the benefits of team sports and building friendships that last lifetimes. It may only be one year in, but I hope the friendships forged at last years Super Bowl party last a lifetime. And if I have to I will bribe them all with cheese balls. 

Bacon Cheddar Ranch Football Cheese Ball

RECIPE MORPHED FROM VARIOUS ONLINE RESOURCES

INGREDIENTS

2 - 16 Oz Packages Philadelphia Cream Cheese (room temperature)

1 Packet Ranch Dip Seasoning

1/4 Cup Shredded Sharp Cheddar Cheese

3 Tablespoons Pimentos

1/2 lb Bacon of choice

Shredded Mozzarella

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Mix together cream cheese, ranch dip seasoning, shredded cheddar cheese,and pimentos.

2. Shape into football on serving platter, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for 1 hour to overnight.

3. While cheese is setting up in refrigerator cook 1/2 lb bacon until crispy. When done, set on paper towels to absorb excess grease. When cooled crumble bacon into larger pieces.

4. Let cheese come to room temperature and then gently cover football with bacon crumbles.

5. Using small pieces of shredded mozzarella create the "laces" of the football.

6. Mingle.

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Burlesque, Body Image Issues, and Beef'd Up Girl Scout Cookies

Last night I found myself at a $10 burlesque show as done by the local volunteer theater company. Not sure what to expect from volunteer burlesque dancers I was blown away. With about 150 of my "neighbors" I watched as 10 people with all body shapes gyrate, strip tease, and generally just "let loose" on stage to the likes of Britney Spears, The Dresden Dolls, and Sally Bowles.

The choreography was by no means amazing. The costumes were patchwork. However the talent was formidable and not to be messed with.

After an hour of clutching my pearls in shock I realized that those 10 strangers were more comfortable half naked on stage in front of an audience than I am completely naked alone in my shower. My shock wasn't in watching a grandmother perform a chair dance or a drag queen dominate two men in leather, but in that I have become a person who cares more of what a stranger on a dating app might think of my appearance than I do of myself. 

The trick will now be remembering what I felt as I left that black box theater when I find myself holding my gut in as the mean "girls" walk by at the office. 

Those 10 dancers reminded me that I'm never going to be the washboard ab, butt flexing, selfie taking bro I see on Instagram. And that's fine. Pizza will always taste better than what I think my ideal ‘thin’ is. 

When I returned home and started to binge on the recent delivery of Girl Scout Samoas and Thin Mints I started wondering why these cookies are so coveted. They leave an odd aftertaste. They are overpriced. Truthfully I've had better. 

But for some reason they are the sexy popular cookie that comes around once a year, teases us, and then disappears.

I realized this cookie wasn't what I wanted. I wanted a real cookie. One with curves, heft, and soul. 

So this morning I took my knife to the whole box of Samoas and one sleeve of Thin Mints. About 30 Girl Scout Cookies were sacrificed. I then made my own cookie dough base, divided it into two, mixed in the freshly chopped Girl Scout Cookies, and proceeded to make a Beef’d Up Girl Scout Cookie. A cookie that doesn't come in a perfect package, and like many of the dancers last night, unapologetically soft in the middle, like me.

Happy Dancing and Girl Scout Cookie Season

Beef'd Up Girl Scout Cookies

Wet Ingredients:

2.5 Sticks Unsalted Butter

8.5 oz Dark Brown Sugar

8 oz White Sugar

2 Teaspoons Vanilla Extract

1.5 Teaspoons Kosher Salt 

2 Large Eggs

Dry Ingredients:

16 oz AP Flour

1.5 Teaspoons Baking Soda

1.25 Teaspoons Baking Powder

Flavors:

1 Box Somoas (or Caramel DeLites depending on your geographic location), chopped into bite size pieces

1 Sleeve Thin Mints; chopped into bite size pieces

Cream together butter, salt, and sugars until light and fluffy. Add in vanilla and eggs. Beat on high for 30 seconds or until mixture in lighter in color and increased in volume.

In separate bowl whisk together dry ingredients. Then slowly incorporate into wet mixture. 

Once fully incorporated divide dough into two bowls. Mix desired flavor chopped up Girl Scout Cookie. 

Divide dough using tablespoon or scoop. Freeze dough balls at least one night. When planning to bake off, remove from freezer, allow to come to room temperature before baking 12-15 minutes at 350 degrees.

Strawberry Cupcakes, The Southern Rule of Beauty, and (Keri) Strug

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Strawberry Cupcakes with Strawberry Buttercream

It was the middle of November and I found myself on a rooftop bar of a BBQ joint at a baby shower for a hairdresser who cuts hair in the chair next to my own hairdresser. A friend of a friend kind of situation. Truth be told I didn't even know her name at the time as I hugged her and congratulated her on her fertility.

Now because my own mother taught me well, I did show up with homemade cupcakes as I wasn't about to push my baby fashion beliefs on this first time mother. Why shouldn't we let newborns wear Ralph Lauren?

Not sure what the scene was going to be I enticed my Primary Southern Gays to join me with the possibly of wings and beer. As we settled into a cozy corner four top and placed our orders we were soon joined by my own Hairdresser. Being of a smaller stature she had to get a running start across the bar before pulling a full Keri Strug, making a perfect landing on the bar stool.

Introductions were made and with that her full confession of how much beer and whiskey she had already consumed. Trying to determine how much of my time I should dedicate to this party I began to prod Hairdresser with a Who's Who of the guest list. Unlike most baby showers I've attended this one was well mixed with both men and women. Some family were there. Some friends. Some clients. It was at this point Hairdresser said with eyes as wide as a heifer giving birth to twins, "Oh my God! My momma is coming and you have to meet her! She's looks like a skinny Paula Dean but with enormous boobs! No, seriously. She's had reductions done twice and they are still enormous!"

How can you not be excited to meet someone when their own kin describes them as such?

And as if cued by a stage hand, Hairdresser's Momma (HM) appeared at the top of the stairs. I should say her breasts appeared at the top of the stairs. She actually arrived about 10 minutes later, baby gift in tow.

After HM made her rounds she pulled up a bar stool and got to kibitzing with us. We talked beer. We talked babies. We talked about our haunted homes. Basically we became best friends.

Naturally it didn't take long for us to get around to the topic of death. What better topic to cover when at a baby shower? Hairdresser told her Momma about my own mother's forethought to help me find a Jewish cemetery after I had converted. At this Hairdresser's Momma began to tell us about her own mothers passing. And the preparative events that took place before her demise.

First let me say that of all the Southern women I have met, concern about ones appearance trumps all of life's needs. There is a level of gloss that is expected to be met and anything but will only spur the gossip beast that roams all church functions.

Now Hairdresser's Momma Momma (HMM) was no exception to the Southern Rule of Beauty. One day years ago while HM was over visiting her mother she was summoned by her mother to join her in the bedroom. When she walked in, HM didn't see her mother.

Calling out, "Momma where are you?!"

She was greeted by her mother as she stepped out of the closet in a new dress, makeup and hair fully done to complete the outfit. HM complimented her mother on the beautiful new dress. HMM thanked her and then proceeded to crawl onto the bed, lay down, hands clasped gently across her chest, eyes closed.

"Momma what are you doin'?"

"I saw this dress at the mall and thought it might be a good funeral dress. Now walk on up next to me like you're payin' respect and tell me if I look good."

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STRAWBERRY CUPCAKES

RECIPE ADAPTED FROM BETTY CROCKER

ingredients

2 3/4 Cups All Purpose Flour

3 Teaspoon Baking Powder

1/2 Teaspoon Salt

3/4 Cup Shortening

1 2/3 Cups Sugar

5 Egg Whites

1 1/4 Teaspoons Vanilla Extract

1 1/4 Teaspoons Strawberry Extract

1 1/4 Cups Milk

instructions

Heat oven to 350°F. Place paper baking cup in each of 24 regular-size muffin cups. In medium bowl, mix flour, baking powder and salt; set aside.

In large bowl, beat shortening with electric mixer on medium speed 30 seconds. Gradually add sugar, about 1/3 cup at a time, beating well after each addition and scraping bowl occasionally. Beat 2 minutes longer. Add egg whites, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in vanilla. On low speed, alternately add flour mixture, about one-third at a time, and milk, about half at a time, beating just until blended.

Divide batter evenly among muffin cups, filling each with about 3 tablespoons batter or until about two-thirds full.

Bake 18 to 20 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 5 minutes. Remove cupcakes from pans; place on cooling racks. Cool completely, about 30 minutes. Frost with desired frosting.

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STRAWBERRY BUTTERCREAM FROSTING

instructions

4 Egg Whites

3/4 Cup Sugar

3 Sticks Unsalted Butter (ROOM TEMPERATURE, cut into tablespoons)

1/2 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract

1/2 Teaspoon Strawberry Extract

instructions

Combine egg whites and sugar in a metal stand mixing bowl and place over a pan of water (so that the bottom of the pan is not touching the water) that has reached boiling point, whisk together the egg whites and sugar until there are no grains left and the whisked mixture is warm to touch. The mixture should be smooth to the touch.

Remove from heat and immediately place on stand mixer with whisk attachment on slow speed. Gradually increase to medium high speed. Continue to beat until stiff peaks have formed and the bowl is cool to touch.

Reduce the whisk speed to medium low. Start to add the butter a few tablespoons at a time. Continue to add more butter as each addition is fully incorporated.

Add coloring of choice if desired.

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Yes and Yes Book Club: The Fiery Cross

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Piccalilli from The Fiery Cross

Two things: 

1. I promise to get back on my food game this weekend and continue to showcase my emotional eating habits. Now that I have put it on the interwebs I have to follow through, right?!?

2. In the meantime - 

This month over at Yes and Yes I read the first book in the Outlander Series and made Piccalilli featured later in the series. The book is raunchy and the food can stain your hands. It's all very sinful if you ask me. But I'm doing it anyway! Check out the review and recipe here!

Yes and Yes Book Club: The Best Christmas Pageant Ever

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Applesauce Cake

This is a quick read folks - BUT SO WORTH IT! I am sure many of you have read this classic before. I had not! And let me tell you at one point I was actually crying. So naturally I made a cake to make myself feel better. Please head on over to Yes and Yes to read what I thought of this classic and to get the recipe for some delicious Holiday Time Applesauce Cake! Also don't forget you can subscribe to my blog below and know that I will be with you at odd random times of your life. Just like binge eating at Chic-fil-a.