Jam Jars and How I Keep Time

While the last 20 days have been anything but ideal I have still managed to keep my wits about me (save for that impromptu tattoo I got last weekend). Time does march on. 

I believe only one friend knows this about me. But I keep tabs on my time here on this planet with empty jam jars. Specifically Bonne Mamen Preserve jars. This week I finished off a jar of Mango Peach Preserves. As I washed out the jar to put it away I couldn't help but think of the past weeks and working my way though it. I don't care to spread all my news out there like Page 6 but I will share a few things I've learned these past few weeks. 

Things I've Learned These Past Few Weeks Living In The South: 

1. There is a medium who speaks to dead people operating her business just four blocks from my home. I am at once intrigued and terrified every time I walk by her storefront. 

2. Friendships reach new levels when one is asked to escort another to an adult themed store to buy a blow up doll for their significant other. Just to prove a point.  

3. There is a women somewhere out in the world who has her husband's name tattooed on her "special place". She also did that to prove a point. And in the end she won that argument. 

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FOR MORE ON WHAT I'VE LEARNED WHILE LIVING IN THE COLONIES

PUPPY CHOW AND THE LOVE OF THE SOUTH

FRIED GRITS AND 'TWANG'

PANTIES AND TOMATO SANDWICHES

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Japanese Tuna Salad

Japanese Tuna Salad

After a rocky start to a 39th birthday week I decided to get out of dodge and see what I could find out in the wilds of North Carolina. 

Things I Learned This Weekend Traveling In The South: 

1. There are few problems a Reba McEntire impersonating drag queen, whiskey, and riding crop can't solve. 

2. The incorrect response to learning someone's cat is a hermaphrodite is, "your cats fucked up."

3. If for only a few minutes, the right meal can calm your tits. And the Japanese Tuna Salad at Lucette Grace in Raleigh, NC did just that. See photo above.  

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FOR MORE ON WHAT I'VE LEARNED SOUTH OF THE MASON DIXON CLICK BELOW

SOMETIMES YOU CAN TRUST THE CANDY BOUGHT AT A BAR

SEAFOOD AND THESPIANS AT HILTON HEAD

SUMMER SAUSAGES AND SLOW DANCING

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Korean Beef Bibimbap

Things I Learned This Week Living In The South:

1. If you can find a woman who will tolerate your drunk self Facetiming from main street, throwing up while being cheered on by the evenings alfresco diners, and without missing a beat wipe the spittle from your mouth as you praise her and claim her as your fiancé to the now forming crowd, consider yourself blessed. 

2. As my trusted advisor and beard stylist once said, "when online dating, nothing good happens after midnight. Wash the sheets in hot water and we'll forget about it over bottomless mimosas tomorrow."

3. When someone in the group has to ask, "what is that drip, drip, drip?" it's time to consider that you have maybe had one too many lactation cookies.  

This month my emotional eating has taken a sharp turn for the better...I think. At the suggestion of my mother and some friends I joined Hello Fresh. The online meal prep service. Once a week I get a box of wonderfully packed goods with three detailed and easy to execute recipes. Unlike my online dating life as of late this is reliable and a delight to have at home. My final meal of this week was Korean Beef Bibimbap. I've added an egg. Because everything is better with an egg. 

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Korean Beef Bibimbap

RECIPE FROM HELLO FRESH

SERVES 2 - TOTAL TIME: ROUGHLY 30 MINS

INGREDIENTS

1 Zucchini

4 oz Button Mushrooms

2 Scallions

1 Carrot

1 Medium Piece Fresh Ginger

2 Cloves Garlic

3/4 Cup Jasmine Rice

5 tsp White Wine Vinegar

1 Tbsp Seasame Oil

2 tsp Sriracha

3 Tbsp Soy Sauce

10 oz Ground Beef

1.5 Tbsp Sugar

4 tsp Vegetable Oil

Salt and Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Wash and dry all produce. Bring 1¼ cups water to a boil in a small pot. Halve zucchini lengthwise; slice into thin half moons. Trim and thinly slice mushrooms and scallions, keeping scallion greens and whites separate. Peel carrot; using a peeler, shave into ribbons. Peel and mince ginger. Mince garlic.

2. Once water is boiling, add rice and a pinch of salt to pot. Cover, lower heat, and reduce to a gentle simmer. Cook until tender, 15-20 minutes.

3. Toss scallion whites with white wine vinegar and a pinch of salt in a small bowl. Set aside to marinate. In another small bowl, stir together sesame oil, 1½ TBSP sugar, up to 2 tsp sriracha, and 1½ TBSP soy sauce (we’ll use the rest of the sriracha and soy sauce later).

4. Heat a drizzle of oil in a large pan over medium-high heat (use a nonstick pan if you have one). Add carrot; season with salt and pepper. Cook, tossing, until tender but still crisp, 3-4 minutes. Remove from pan and set aside. Add another drizzle of oil to pan and repeat with zucchini; remove from pan once cooked. Add mushrooms and another drizzle of oil to pan and cook until tender, 3-5 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. Remove from pan and set aside.

5. Heat another drizzle of oil in same pan over medium-high heat. Add garlic and ginger and cook until fragrant, 30 seconds. Add beef, breaking up meat into pieces. Cook, tossing occasionally, until no longer pink, about 4 minutes. Increase heat to high and continue cooking until browned and crisp, about 3 minutes. Pour in remaining soy sauce and cook, tossing, until mostly evaporated, 1-2 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.

6. Divide rice between bowls. Arrange beef, zucchini, carrot, mushrooms, and scallion whites on top. Drizzle with sauce and remaining sriracha (to taste). Sprinkle with scallion greens and serve.

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Summer Sausage

Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. Slow dancing with a lesbian to Leon Bridges while drinking wine and eating cured meats on the roof of the birthplace of Camel cigarettes was a great way to ease into a long weekend. 

2. This same lesbian was spoon fed by Jeff Probst on Survivor as she was flown out of the Philippines due to Japanese Encephalitis. 

3. I'm not sure if it's due to my time served or their general gullibility. But it was far too easy to convince two traveling actors from LA that my hairdresser had her handgun in her handbag. Because "this is The South". 

Summer is waning. Let's see what else we can learn before the threat of snow and pumpkin spice lattes.  

See you next time. 

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FOR MORE ON WHAT I'VE TAKEN AWAY FROM LIVING SOUTH OF THE MASON DIXON CHECK THESE OUT!

MY OBSESSION WITH PUPPY CHOW AND LEARNING TO LOVE THE SOUTH

DATING MY CSA

PULLING OUT THE OG OF PIES

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Peanut Butter White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies

Peanut Butter White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies

Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. Apparently in The South, when not in your home, you should never assume you can wash your hands in the kitchen sink. You are to state to the homeowner that you desire to wash your hands and then inquire as to where said hand washing should take place. My public apologies to all who I may have offended these past few years. 

2. I am far too attached to my nap jeans (yes, nap jeans) that I was paralyzed at the door of my home not able to comprehend what to do next when I realized they were left at the beach from last weekend's shenanigans. Thankfully there is a lovely woman bringing them back to me. I am sure you are asking what are 'nap jeans'?  Well when I nap I refuse to take my pants off. If you nap with pants off you are just going to bed in the middle of the day. Nap jeans provide next level napping etiquette.  

3. I am a caterer's worst nightmare. In my weekly role of Proxy Fiance to my friend Ashley I found myself at a cake tasting (that I demanded we have). And then proceeded to spend an hour in the most Minnesota passive aggressive way demanding a very specific wedding cake from a far more talented than myself cake decorator.  So for the second time this week I publicly apologize for my less than stellar behaviour, in this, my adopted home, The South. 

P.S. The above mentioned cake decorator gave us only amazing samples and a coffee buttercream that made the Golem in me want to steal away to a cave and never share it. Please check her out if you are in Winston Salem. She can be found at The Humble Bee on Brookstown or on Instagram here.   

P.P.S The above mentioned encounter while in my role of Proxy Fiance led to a need for the below cookies to be made. Though not my favorite, Ashley's real finance does love them. 

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Peanut Butter White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies

RECIPE BY BENJAMIN PLANTE

Yields Roughly 42 Cookies

INGREDIENTS

10 oz Unsalted Butter (2.5 sticks)

1 1/4 C Brown Sugar

1 C plus 2 T Granulated Sugar

2 Large Eggs

2 t Vanilla Extract

3 2/3 C All Purpose Flour

1 1/4 t Baking Soda

1 1/2 t Baking Powder

1 1/2 t Salt

3/4 lb Mini White Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups

3/4 lb Macadamia Nuts; roughly chopped

INSTRUCTIONS

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Using stand or hand mixer mix, room temperature butter with sugars and salt on high for 1 minute until light and fluffy. Add eggs one at a time. Finally add vanilla extract.

In a medium sized bowl whisk together flour, baking soda, and baking powder.

With hand or stand mixer on low to medium speed slowly incorporate flour into butter sugar mixture.

When fully incorporated hand mix in white chocolate peanut butter cups and macadamia nuts.

Portion out in heaping 2T and bake for 14 mins or until golden brown around the edge. Allow to cool on cookie sheet before moving to cooling rack.

NOTE: Freeze the mini white chocolate peanut butter cups before mixing them into the dough. Depending on time of year these become very soft and when frozen can very easily be hand mixed into dough.

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FOR MORE COOKIE FUN CHECK OUT THESE LINKS BELOW!

PUMPKIN COOKIES THAT TAKE ME HOME

SIDE BOOB or HOW I MADE LEMON BASIL COOKIES

DARK BROWN SUGAR COOKIES - THE FLORIDA TAN OF THE COOKIE WORLD

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