Summer Sausage

Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. Slow dancing with a lesbian to Leon Bridges while drinking wine and eating cured meats on the roof of the birthplace of Camel cigarettes was a great way to ease into a long weekend. 

2. This same lesbian was spoon fed by Jeff Probst on Survivor as she was flown out of the Philippines due to Japanese Encephalitis. 

3. I'm not sure if it's due to my time served or their general gullibility. But it was far too easy to convince two traveling actors from LA that my hairdresser had her handgun in her handbag. Because "this is The South". 

Summer is waning. Let's see what else we can learn before the threat of snow and pumpkin spice lattes.  

See you next time. 





Crawfish Boil

Crawfish Boil

Crawfish Boil

Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. How to shotgun a beer. Yes, I am aware of the shock on your face dear friend when you asked me to join and I stated I have never shotgunned a beer. And I am also aware of the look of shock on your face when you assumed I couldn't relax my throat and swallow 12 oz in one gulp. This isn't my first rodeo at relaxing my throat for maximum consumption.  

2. My man bag, which was a self loving gift I gave myself upon my triumphant return to corporate life a few years back AND the subject of a recent replacement debate, has reemerged in my Top Ten Accessories List because I learned it can hold: 

a. 1 Bottle Of Rose

b. 10 Pounds Of Andouille Sausage

c. 2 Loaves Of Banana Bread

d. 2 Cans Of La Croix

e. 1 Bag Of Emergency Hard Candies and Band Aids (because I am 90 years old)

3. It is perfectly acceptable to have a sense of pride when you find you are one of three Northerners left standing with 40 pounds of crawfish on the table after all the Southerns have bailed in gastorial weakness.  Special shout out to the Long Islander to my left who questioned, learned, and then conqeured the crawfish in a matter of minutes.  

Grapefruit Brulee

I wanted a citrus salad for breakfast today. I got as far as making a grapefruit brulee and then it was back to Netflix. It has been one of those weekends. 

Things That Happened To Me This Weekend In The South:

1. While casually walking home one evening I was mooned. I assume the young men involved were hoping for a reaction. But given my penchant for men and the internet providing access to many derrieres, seeing some skinny white boy's flat ass shoved through the back window of a late 90's Ford Taurus was not so shocking. What was shocking is that he wasn't smart enough to move to the front seat where the window fully goes down. Instead he used the back seat window. The one that only goes down about 2/3 of the way. 

2. For the second time in my life I found myself in a social situation surrounded by others chugging a Smirnoff Ice in hopes to fit in. Later that night while pantless I ate a Jimmy Johns over the kitchen sink. Followed a few hours later, fully naked, eating the last of my Cadbury Creme eggs in front of my fridge. Frozen Creme Eggs are best. 

3. In hindsight I have no recollection how this came about. But at a pool party I first tossed a tennis ball for a lovely golden retriever to catch only to hit a young recently acquainted friend in the head with said ball so hard it sounded like Serena Williams hit a homerun. I think that's how you play tennis. And secondly just moments later with my now head traumatized friend we spent 10 minutes discussing pannus in relation to our own body image issues. Those google images are forever seared in my brain. And still I feel my fupa is out of control.  



Chocolate Trifle

Chocolate Trifle

Feel free to shame me.

It has been well over a month since my last update to you my devoted fans (hi mom).  I can honestly say that I have been busy. I hosted an engagement party. I took a short and sweet trip back to the homeland. I have entered a polyamorous relationship with Netflix, Amazon Prime, and HBO Go. The nights are cold but if I learned anything from Big Love, it's that my night of the week will come. And when I does I plan to sleep as little as possible. 

Who are we kidding. When my night comes it will be in and out with a snack in under 20 mins. Sleep is oh so important. 

As I mentioned above I hosted an engagement party. And as I am not one to toss out a party sub for even the most casual of soirees I naturally crowdsourced my menu planning. Over multiple phone calls and text conversations my former work wife and I settled upon a buffet fit for the reddest of necks and the most finicky of bottoms. 

Starters were simple trays of cured meats, hard cheeses and Bud Light. 

Main course consisted of the ancient but classic Silver Palate's Chicken Marbella (find the recipe here), varied seasonal roasted vegetables, a bitter greens salad with sliced peaches, and variety of stone fruits with ricotta and honey. And canned Barefoot Refresh Wine Spritzers (with no promotional ties at all).

The ricotta scared people. Trust me I know when you find grainy white stuff coming towards your mouth you should be suspicious. But ricotta is always welcome.    

Dessert was the easy part. As this party was all about the lovely couple I made a cake I had been craving for months. Chocolate on Chocolate. And the North Carolina classic Hummingbird Cake. The compliments were appreciated. And though I wanted to hobble the hands of a few guests who imbibed and felt it was kosher to just drag their fingers across the cake plate when 'nobody was looking' I was very pleased to see no leftovers. Just know that all bakers have eyes in the backs of their heads. And we can spot a finger dredge at 50 paces.  

As I mentioned above I made a Chocolate on Chocolate cake due to some peri-MANopausal cravings. And with most cakes I make I had shaved off the cake tops. It's the Jew in me. Always looking to trim a little off. Well those tops ended up in my freezer. And those frozen tops ended up being made into a poor man's trifle of crumbled cake and almond buttercream frosting. 

All in preparation for a naked 3AM snack that makes all my worries go away. Until 3:05AM.  

Chocolate Cake 


Super Bowl Party Friends, Shaped Cheese Balls, and Sitting in Dog Sh!t

Misshapen but bacon covered Super Bowl Cheese Ball

Misshapen but bacon covered Super Bowl Cheese Ball

One year ago on this national holiday that is the Super Bowl I stood at the elevator outside my apartment door debating whether or not to attend the building sponsored party being held in the pimped out lounge. I hesitated, because at my age (early to late 30s), I already have a set a friends I told myself. Making new friends isn't always easy past...well whenever. That aside, the guilt set in as I had promised my mother I would go and I had maybe told that bright eyed leasing agent the day before "oh suuuuure I'll come", wink wink. 

One year has gone by and I just wrapped up my football shaped cheese ball to bring to this year's party. You know I love a shaped cheese ball. Check out my last one here

How painful was that first Super Bowl party in the lounge? On a scale of 1 to 10 I would say I have had gas pains worse than my experience feigning interest in a sport I know nothing about while trying not to binge eat the questionable crudite that was on display.

However, in the end I met a few people. People who over the course of the subsequent year have become great friends. And even though there are days that I am convinced I live in a college dorm, I find great relief when I pull in at the end of a hard day knowing that two floors down, around the corner, or across the hall I have people I can count on.

When I think of football I instantly go back to that rainy day at Woodland Junior High playing touch football with 30 of my never to be seen again friends. That day as I, well basically moved in some direction, slipped on the wet grass and landed flat on my backside. This story only really hits home the next day when I went to go get my still damp gym clothes out of my locker and realized that what I had really slipped in was a big ol' pile of dog shit. Imagine that smell. Not my usual Gautier Le Male. 

If you had asked me anytime before I sat down to write this I would have told you team sports have done nothing to me in the way of friendships. Nobody offered me fresh clothes to wear the day I marinated in poo. I don't recall any of my badminton partners. Nor my square dance partners. And where I come from square dancing is a team sport.

All over the internet there are articles about the benefits of team sports and building friendships that last lifetimes. It may only be one year in, but I hope the friendships forged at last years Super Bowl party last a lifetime. And if I have to I will bribe them all with cheese balls. 

Bacon Cheddar Ranch Football Cheese Ball