Summer Sausage

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Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. Slow dancing with a lesbian to Leon Bridges while drinking wine and eating cured meats on the roof of the birthplace of Camel cigarettes was a great way to ease into a long weekend. 

2. This same lesbian was spoon fed by Jeff Probst on Survivor as she was flown out of the Philippines due to Japanese Encephalitis. 

3. I'm not sure if it's due to my time served or their general gullibility. But it was far too easy to convince two traveling actors from LA that my hairdresser had her handgun in her handbag. Because "this is The South". 

Summer is waning. Let's see what else we can learn before the threat of snow and pumpkin spice lattes.  

See you next time. 

FOR MORE ON WHAT I'VE TAKEN AWAY FROM LIVING SOUTH OF THE MASON DIXON CHECK THESE OUT!

MY OBSESSION WITH PUPPY CHOW AND LEARNING TO LOVE THE SOUTH

DATING MY CSA

PULLING OUT THE OG OF PIES

Blueberry Ginger Buckle

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Blueberry Ginger Buckle

Blueberry Ginger Buckle

FAIR WARNING!!! TODAY'S POST IS ABOUT SEX AND BLUEBERRIES. SO IF YOU ARE A SOUTHERN BELLE OR MY MOTHER YOU MAY WANT TO TURN AWAY NOW. 

Recently I have found myself immersed in the gay dating scene here in the almost Deep South. I had a long talk with Netflix and we are going to explore an Open Relationship. This can be touchy I know. I've seen MTV True Life "I'm in a Polyamorous Relationship". But I think Netflix is pretty chill and open to trying new things. And really just wants me to be happy. 

Things I Learned This Week (about sex) In The South: 

1. It is perfectly acceptable to take the rolled up $20 bill your blind date used to snort a row after he falls asleep just as you are about to ask a muffled "is this good for you?". Time is money. 

2. A real friend deletes the dick pic accidentally sent to them during a date safety check. 

3. And nobody judges if you fall asleep, while sitting, in the dark, with a starfish. Active participation begets active participation.  

One of these things did happen to me this weekend, all others were overheard. I'll let you try and figure that out.  

So in light of the blue subject matter I baked a Blueberry and Ginger Buckle that will make your toes curl. And gurl we know you need it. 

Blueberry and Ginger Buckle

RECIPE INSPIRED BY THE GOURMET COOKBOOK 2004 ed. 

Serves 8-10

Peanut Butter White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies

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Peanut Butter White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies

Peanut Butter White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies

Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. Apparently in The South, when not in your home, you should never assume you can wash your hands in the kitchen sink. You are to state to the homeowner that you desire to wash your hands and then inquire as to where said hand washing should take place. My public apologies to all who I may have offended these past few years. 

2. I am far too attached to my nap jeans (yes, nap jeans) that I was paralyzed at the door of my home not able to comprehend what to do next when I realized they were left at the beach from last weekend's shenanigans. Thankfully there is a lovely woman bringing them back to me. I am sure you are asking what are 'nap jeans'?  Well when I nap I refuse to take my pants off. If you nap with pants off you are just going to bed in the middle of the day. Nap jeans provide next level napping etiquette.  

3. I am a caterer's worst nightmare. In my weekly role of Proxy Fiance to my friend Ashley I found myself at a cake tasting (that I demanded we have). And then proceeded to spend an hour in the most Minnesota passive aggressive way demanding a very specific wedding cake from a far more talented than myself cake decorator.  So for the second time this week I publicly apologize for my less than stellar behaviour, in this, my adopted home, The South. 

P.S. The above mentioned cake decorator gave us only amazing samples and a coffee buttercream that made the Golem in me want to steal away to a cave and never share it. Please check her out if you are in Winston Salem. She can be found at The Humble Bee on Brookstown or on Instagram here.   

P.P.S The above mentioned encounter while in my role of Proxy Fiance led to a need for the below cookies to be made. Though not my favorite, Ashley's real finance does love them. 

Peanut Butter White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies

RECIPE BY BENJAMIN PLANTE

Yields Roughly 42 Cookies

Crawfish Boil

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Crawfish Boil

Crawfish Boil

Things I Learned This Week Living In The South: 

1. How to shotgun a beer. Yes, I am aware of the shock on your face dear friend when you asked me to join and I stated I have never shotgunned a beer. And I am also aware of the look of shock on your face when you assumed I couldn't relax my throat and swallow 12 oz in one gulp. This isn't my first rodeo at relaxing my throat for maximum consumption.  

2. My man bag, which was a self loving gift I gave myself upon my triumphant return to corporate life a few years back AND the subject of a recent replacement debate, has reemerged in my Top Ten Accessories List because I learned it can hold: 

a. 1 Bottle Of Rose

b. 10 Pounds Of Andouille Sausage

c. 2 Loaves Of Banana Bread

d. 2 Cans Of La Croix

e. 1 Bag Of Emergency Hard Candies and Band Aids (because I am 90 years old)

3. It is perfectly acceptable to have a sense of pride when you find you are one of three Northerners left standing with 40 pounds of crawfish on the table after all the Southerns have bailed in gastorial weakness.  Special shout out to the Long Islander to my left who questioned, learned, and then conqeured the crawfish in a matter of minutes.  

Grapefruit Brulee

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I wanted a citrus salad for breakfast today. I got as far as making a grapefruit brulee and then it was back to Netflix. It has been one of those weekends. 

Things That Happened To Me This Weekend In The South:

1. While casually walking home one evening I was mooned. I assume the young men involved were hoping for a reaction. But given my penchant for men and the internet providing access to many derrieres, seeing some skinny white boy's flat ass shoved through the back window of a late 90's Ford Taurus was not so shocking. What was shocking is that he wasn't smart enough to move to the front seat where the window fully goes down. Instead he used the back seat window. The one that only goes down about 2/3 of the way. 

2. For the second time in my life I found myself in a social situation surrounded by others chugging a Smirnoff Ice in hopes to fit in. Later that night while pantless I ate a Jimmy Johns over the kitchen sink. Followed a few hours later, fully naked, eating the last of my Cadbury Creme eggs in front of my fridge. Frozen Creme Eggs are best. 

3. In hindsight I have no recollection how this came about. But at a pool party I first tossed a tennis ball for a lovely golden retriever to catch only to hit a young recently acquainted friend in the head with said ball so hard it sounded like Serena Williams hit a homerun. I think that's how you play tennis. And secondly just moments later with my now head traumatized friend we spent 10 minutes discussing pannus in relation to our own body image issues. Those google images are forever seared in my brain. And still I feel my fupa is out of control.