BATTENBERG CAKE

Battenberg Cake

Things that happened this weekend, the Fourth of July, 2016: 

1. I got a haircut while drinking a canned white wine spritzer.

2. I "played" my first game of strip poker with a Hair Stylist, a Brewmaster, a Lesbian, and an Executive Chef. Thankfully my days at J Crew taught me well and I was well layered even on a 90+ degree day. 

3. I attended a Miss Gay North Carolina prelim. It was Drop Dead Gorgeous meets Priscilla Queen of the Desert. One queen had a broken arm. Sadly she didn't win. 

4. At a pool party I watched a fully grown British Man with a tramp stamp do a medley of Tina Turner hits while wearing a soaking wet fedora and holding a Chambong (a champagne flute fitted like a beer bong). Look it up. You won't be sorry. 

And it was this same British Man with a tramp stamp that got me into the kitchen this past week. Some time ago at a random meeting in my small Southern city his request for a Battenberg Cake was made. Given that his girlfriend is in charge of my current hair management system (aka helping me embrace my follicle shortcomings) I thought it best to see what I could do. 

With our Independence Day approaching I thought no better time to make this classic British dessert. I figured the poor man not only has a tramp stamp (for an honorable famille reason so we really do appreciate it) but here he was in a country that, over 200 years ago, put his country in a corner, like Baby.  

CHECK OUT THIS OLDY BUT GOODY ABOUT MY COOKBOOK DESIRES, CEMETERY SHENANIGANS, AND FORMER 4th OF JULY FUN


BATTENBERG CAKE

RECIPE INSPIRED BY BBC FOODS



Bread and Butter Pickles

Bread and Butter Pickles

Well it's Pride Season. As parades, tank tops, and glitter rain down on our nation's streets this weekend my mind naturally turns to pickles.

Over time I have gone through many pickle phases. When I was younger all I wanted was regular sized dill pickles. There was a time in my life that only large pickles would do. You know the kind that are usually found in deli's or bars. Then for a short period of time I thought I wanted quantity with an edgy quality. So it was spears all the way. 

In my most recent incarnation I have been hooked on Bread and Butter. Country style. Thick with a bite but sweet when you swallow.  

There is a pickle for every occasion. And an occasion for every pickle.  Which is how I found myself making pickles all weekend. Gonna start Summer off right. 

Happy Pride. 


Bread and Butter pickles

recipe by Martha Stewart



Yes and Yes Book Club: Me Before You by Jojo Moyes

Mini Blueberry Scones

Mini Blueberry Scones

At no shock to anyone I once again found myself crying at cruising altitude. This month over at Yes and Yes I review Jojo Moyes' Me Before You. A wonderfully gut wrenching story about a quadriplegic and his caregiver. To get myself through it I had to binge eat some mini blueberry scones. And drink lots of coffee.

Let me know if you enjoy it! And if you think I should venture to read the sequel.

Check out my review here!



Puppy Chow and How I Have Learned To Love The South

Puppy Chow

My adult moment this week involved a canned wine spritzer, a service dog named Dotty, and a stranger. All of those things, including the adult moment, took place at the hair salon I visit monthly for (non sexual) human contact, beard trimmings, and now canned wine spritzers. 

As is my nature I arrived early to this month's hair cut. It's a familiar place decorated with old North Carolina barn wood, taxidermied moose, a foosball table, foul language, leather chairs, and a service dog named Dotty asleep in the corner. Located in an old store front just one block off main street and next to a strip club that only opens when the owner feels it is time to piss off the local chamber.

Upstairs is a lounge for special customers. A pieced together room of antique store finds and flat paneled technology of the future. Leather sofas line one wall. A card table in the corner. Tobacco memorabilia on the wall that still somehow works as advertising. You cannot help but feel like a club member of a bygone era. This sweaty afternoon it was host to two older men in bermuda shorts, the air of cigar, and a dirty joke. After they left I was warned one of them likes to kiss everyone in the room on the forehead as he leaves if he's had just the right amount of whiskey.  

A stranger to me was getting his haircut as I waited. A young man who spoke with a tired voice. He was going on about the struggles of fatherhood and the arrival of a third child. Without hesitations and with the swiftness of her shears the hairdresser doled out encouragement and advice. Assuring the young man it would all work out in the end. The best of her advice being a story about her own mother raising three kids with the story ending with, "I'm pretty sure she beat the ass of that day care lady that day. And we never went back to daycare again. I love my momma." 

It was at that moment as I sat canned wine spritzer in hand that I thought how lucky I was to be here today. Though unfortunate as that young man's story is, it added to the colorful narrative of my life in The South. 

This week I have learned of the hooker who worked out of the local waffle house that burned down. Word is she has taken up residence in a neighboring town's waffle house. I have had a glass of wine with a former debutante, while discussing her conservative views and fear of Donald Trump. I have watched a soccer match in a bar full of scarf wearing transplants. I participated in a nerve wracking game of credit card roulette where the loser buys the entire round for all participating. I listened in on a heated debate about where to buy the best chili and slaw for a cookout (only if God forbid you cannot make it yourself). 

I have somehow stumbled into a mash up world of Steel Magnolias/In The Garden of Good and Evil. I am a John Kelso from up North waiting with baited breath for the next Lady Chablis to turn the corner. I am eager to sit next to Clariee in hopes to hear about latest neighborhood gossip. I have my beard trimmed by a modern day Truvy. 

But deep down my inner (and  let's face it sometimes outer) pudgy gay boy only heard one thing while at the hair salon that day. Dotty the service dog somehow got into some store bought "puppy chow" and did it not agree with her. So canned wine spritzer in hand I made the mental note of "pick up Rice Chex at the grocery store tomorrow Benjamin. It's a binge worthy weekend." 


Chex Muddy Buddies (sometimes called...)

Recipe by General Mills



Relationship Goals with my CSA

Relationship Goals. 

My CSA arrived again on Friday. And again I am feeling pressured. 

Thankfully I just had (half?) a bottle of rosé to help. I'm thinking the bowl of mini wheats for breakfast is plenty base for my wine.

I'm going to walk home now. 

Who orders this much arugula?!?!

I do.

WHYYYYYY?

A....R....U....G....U....L....A.

I love that word.  

Some woman just cat called me on the street complimenting my cardigan. Hello Hipster Woman. If I was into kitty kats I would totally stop and share my rose. Maybe. But I'm not into kitty's.  

She probably likes cabbage.

I like cucumbers. Persian (they're curved). Not the hothouse ones. Too skinny.  

Dammit the kabobs place is closed. Maybe the Mediterranean place is open.

NOPE. Hello...there is a qualifying bike race AND park concert happening two blocks away Mediterranean place! Your loss.  

I'll just fry an egg when I get home. With arugula.  And wine.   

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