Rosario, Roulade and Ree Ree (not Rihanna)

I did not take the picture of Rosario - the rest are all mine

This past week was a slow work week. Pride was last weekend and then Independence Day was just past Thursday...which means 40 hours of actual work was crammed into Monday, Tuesday and part of Wednesday. The rest of the time was food/sun/laundry and trying to figure what the hell to do with a Birkin Bags worth of rhubarb that Just Joni stole from some old man's backyard back home. That's right. She's bad ass.  

Last weekend I was desperate. And not in the trolling for sex because it was Pride sort of way (that's so turn of the century) but in the I wanted easy carbs in my belly but needed them to look like they were fancy so I didn't feel bad. Naturally I went to the packaged cinnamon rolls that I brought home like 5 years ago from a packaging job I had in my previous career as a Food Stylist.

How did I slap lipstick on those pigs you ask? 

Well start by cutting those little artery cloggers into quarters (before baking them), roll them in some brown sugar, cinnamon and ginger. Lube up a tube pan and toss them in like it's semi-finals at a beer pong game over at Tri Lambda House. Bake them up until they are done and then just dive face first into the tub of white goo that tastes like heaven. Just make sure you clean up any that dribbles onto the chin. No reason to get rumors started. 

Second on my food to do list was to use that damned rhubarb. Why is there always sooooo much? Anyway, made a roulade. Look it up if you need to. Or just trust me that it's like a giant joint made of cake.  Recipe is below - total intermediate level. So call me or send pictures when it totally bombs.  

And finally C on my food to do list was to make my own flour tortillas. Did you just fall off your Lazy-Boy? Because I even amazed myself with this beast of a project. And it was completely out of laziness on my own part. The nearest flour tortilla was 3 miles away and I was not about to break a sweat for them.  

Homemade flour tortillas are super easy. Not sure why working mothers of 2.5 children with sexually frustrated husbands don't take the hour and half needed to make these Mexican delicacies. So if you are like me and have a few hours to kill on a Sunday , channel your inner Rosario and get crackin' on those tortillas! Again the recipe is below. Totally stole it from the "country girl" Ree Drummond at Pioneer Girl. You know she has a McDonald's in her basement and isn't telling us. Hey Ree! Love you girl! Keep up the good work! 

P.S. She is NOT related to Mr. Drummond on Diff't Strokes. Don't even bother googling that one. Trust me.        

Here is what I've made in the last week that should make you want to date and/or live with me:

Rhubarb Roulade (aka Rhubarb Swiss Cake Roll)
From Gourmet Cookbook (the huge yellow one)

For cake

4 large eggs, separated
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup all-purpose flour
Confectioners sugar for dusting

For filling

1 lb rhubarb stalks, trimmed and finely chopped
1/2 cup granulated sugar

Make cake:
Preheat oven to 350°F. Butter a 15- by 10- by 1-inch shallow baking pan and line with wax paper. Butter paper and dust with flour, knocking out excess.

Beat together yolks, vanilla, and 5 tablespoons granulated sugar in a large bowl with an electric mixer at high speed until thick and pale, about 1 minute with a standing mixer or 3 minutes with a handheld.

Beat whites with salt using cleaned beaters in another bowl until they just hold soft peaks. Add remaining 3 tablespoons granulated sugar, a little at a time, beating until whites just hold stiff peaks.

Gently fold one third of flour and one third of whites into yolk mixture, then gently fold in remaining flour and whites in 2 more batches, making sure flour is thoroughly incorporated.

Spread batter evenly in baking pan and bake in middle of oven until top is pale and dry to the touch, 10 to 12 minutes. Transfer cake in pan to a rack and cool, covered with a kitchen towel, 5 minutes.

Cook rhubarb while cake is baking:

Cook rhubarb with sugar in a 12-inch nonstick skillet over moderately high heat (rhubarb will exude liquid), stirring, until rhubarb is a thick purée, about 8 minutes. Spread filling on a plate and chill 5 minutes.

Make roulade:

Remove towel and arrange cake with a short side nearest you. Spread rhubarb filling evenly over cake, leaving a 1-inch border on each short side. Put a platter next to far end of cake. Beginning with near short side and using wax paper as an aid, roll up cake jelly-roll style. Carefully transfer roll, seam side down, to platter, using wax paper as an aid.

Dust cake generously with confectioners sugar, then slice with a serrated knife.

Homemade Flour Tortillas
*Side note - I did NOT use Lard. I mean why wouldn't I have that just laying around like miss thing does? I used good old fashioned shortening.  


2-1/2 cups All-purpose Flour
2-1/2 teaspoons Baking Powder
1 teaspoon Kosher Salt
1/2 cup Lard Or Vegetable Shortening
2 Tablespoons (additional) Lard Or Vegetable Shortening
1 cup Hot Water

Preparation Instructions

Combine flour, baking powder and salt in a large wooden bowl. Stir together.
Add spoonfuls of lard or shortening (use 1/2 cup PLUS 2 tablespoons), then use a pastry cutter to combine the ingredients. Cut mixture until it resembles coarse crumbs.
Slowly pour in hot water, stirring to bring mixture together. Lightly knead dough 30 to 40 times, or until it becomes a cohesive ball of dough and is less sticky. Cover with a tea towel and allow dough to rest for at least an hour.
Roll into ping pong size balls, place on a tray, cover with a tea towel, and allow to rest for another 20 to 30 minutes.
When you're ready to make the tortillas, head a dark or cast iron griddle to medium/medium-high heat. One by one, roll out balls of dough until very, very thin. Throw tortillas (one by one) onto the griddle. Cook on each side for 20 to 30 seconds, removing while tortillas are still soft but slightly brown in spots. Remove and stack tortillas, and cover with a towel to keep warm. Serve immediately or allow to cool before storing tortillas in a container. To warm, nuke tortillas in the microwave, or wrap in foil and warm in the oven.