Farts, "Family" and Food - Merry Christmas 2013

 The Sexy Bearded Man is single - he does NOT come with the Pound Puppy

The Sexy Bearded Man is single - he does NOT come with the Pound Puppy

This past week The Roomate and I received a holiday card from a friend pictured with a dog and some dog friendly holiday greeting. We may or may not have been drinking some wine and decided that we too needed to spread some holiday joy. So with some creative use of the iPhone and the coincidental purchase of plaid clothing we got down to business.

With good intentions we ordered hard copies to hand out to people we think are extra special. But because Walgreens.com is not user friendly we have yet to receive them. For those of you lucky to get one I expect to see it on the Frigidaire next time I am over. For those of you who don’t get snail mail this electronic version is all yours – print it out, forward it on and make it your Facebook Cover Photo.

I personally love getting the holiday letters that take one family’s entire year's existence and condenses it to one page. With clipart.

I’ve added my own...Holiday Letter 2013

(I am not mailing this out. Times are tough y’all and this website is paid for):

Dear Friends and Family –

I do not have any kids that have done wonderful things at school or church or in the community. Instead I have beautiful man bag I bought from SSCY.com. I do love it so. It can be a tote bag, a backpack, a shoulder bag. It can fit a fun size person if need be. But it cannot fit a lap dog. I am not that kind of gay. I want a dog whose pile of crap I can use for fuel to burn should the end times come.

So my man bag is doing wonderful and is expected to excel in 2014.

I am still squatting with my bestie/landlord in SoMPLS. Our days are filled with retail misadventures in bustling downtown Minneapolis (that beeyotch Mary Tyler Moore has nothing on us). And our nights are filled with food centered shenanigans and various cultural outings, and lots of Big Bang Theory viewing in between. We continue to build on our 2013 resolution of drinking 52 bottles of wine in the year. We are ahead of schedule. Thankfully my man bag does not require me to get up and let it out to poo in the morning or feed it like a child, so massive consumption of wine is not a problem.

Tonight is bottle number 61. It’s a Shiraz.

Bottoms up! (P.S. Don’t ever scream that in a gay bar. It’s like yelling “FIRE!” in a movie theatre).

My travels this year took me on an old fashioned road trip with Sister to the exotic country of California. While there we took in sights (interactive gay strip shows in San Francisco…it was across the street from the best pizza that side of the Rockies), we walked it the path of Pee Wee Herman, and ate at a Wendy’s in Napa Valley.

I am wrapping up my second year of being sober. And by sober I mean not having a Diet Coke. I replaced that addiction with La Croix canned water. And then I replaced that addiction with Cinnamon Bliss Coffee Mate Coffee Creamer and my Sanka. Thankfully my addiction issues have not come up in therapy.

And I am back on just water for the most part. And wine.

MUST KEEPS GOALS!

My love life is still missing the “love” part. So if you know of anyone send him my way. I’ve also decided to invest in hand lotions. I think stock prices might be going up.

I was a little gassy and bloated in August. But then again it was State Fair time.

My beard is coming along nicely. I did not grow it to promote men touching themselves this past November. I promote men touching themselves all year long.

If there are more than two balls in the game, I suggest you see your doctor tout de suite men.

I also said goodbye to some dear friends. Serena, Blair, Chuck, Dan and Dorota all moved on. Thank you Netflix for bringing them into my life. They are missed daily.

This year wasn’t all beautiful man bags and luxurious beards. There were low moments in the half bath with a bottle of wine and dog eared copy of Martha Stewart’s Living.

There was that one drunken night where two bags of Ruffles mysteriously were missing the next morning (may have been in August). There was that one guy…

So this coming week we will gather with friends and family. We will stuff ourselves so full we question whether or not our next fart will require a change of underwear. We shall plow through to 2014. Take new adventures (with my man bag), try new foods, drink more wine, and take a chance or two. Let’s run head first into 2014 with reckless abandon and our seatbelts buckled. But let’s keep it real people.

Merry Christmas this week.

Happy New Year’s next week. And here’s hoping for some freakin’ great food next year!